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Supporting Your Child’s Positive Sexual Development
A parent’s role in their child’s sexual development starts the day they are born. Sexuality education is an ongoing and evolving discussion that changes as your child grows. Even once your child is an adult, they may still have questions about parenting, relationships, childbirth or other topics.
Click the toggles below for general guidelines to support your child throughout childhood and into adolescence.
For more information about why talking with your child about sexuality is important, read Talking to Your Children About Sex.
Infants and Toddlers
Guidelines for Positive Sexual Development
- Loving touch, caregiver to child
- Caregivers that describe body boundaries – my body; your body
- Caregivers that react appropriately to touching and exploring bodies
- Starting to identify gender
- Saying “no”
How to Support your 0 to 3-Year-Old
- Use the scientific names for all body parts, including genitals . Avoid shame about how bodies work naturally. This teaches your child that their body is valuable and worthy of care.
- Begin teaching about private and public behaviours and spaces. For example, exploring your genitals is best done in the bedroom or bathroom.
- Teach your child to say “no” to unwanted touch of any kind and support that boundary.
- Teach your child about the anatomical differences and similarities between the sexes.
- Speak about all genders as equally special.
Behaviours
| Typical Behaviours | Concerning Behaviours |
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Preschoolers
Guidelines of Positive Sexual Development
- Might have a lot of questions
- Learning to trust caregivers
- Genital touching/masturbation
- Curious about other children’s body parts
- Playing with roles, e.g. girlfriend/boyfriend
- Saying “no”
How to Support your 3 to 5-Year-Old
- Continue nurturing positive feelings about their body and what it can do.
- Continue to teach your child that they have the right to say “no” to any unwanted touch. Explain when touch they don’t want might still need to happen for their health, safety or protection.
- Encourage your child to come to you with questions.
- Answer sexuality questions with the same simple language you would any other question. Picture books can help support learning and development.
- Widen your child’s perception of what boys and girls are capable of doing.
- Touching genitals and masturbating is normal; continue teaching the concept of privacy and private spaces.
- Playmates of similar ages may explore each other’s genitals in a consensual, playful, curiosity-focused manner.
- Physical trauma to genitals is a cause for concern and may require medical attention.
Behaviours
| Typical Behaviours | Concerning Behaviours |
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6 to 8 Years Old
Guidelines of Positive Sexual Development
- Understands that talking about sexuality can be difficult, uncomfortable and sometimes seen as inappropriate from society at large
- Seeks information about sex and sexuality
- Understands gender role stereotypes
- May experience beginning signs of puberty
How to Support your 6 to 8-Year-Old
- Continue or start ongoing conversations about sex and sexuality.
- Some kids are asking basic questions that need simple answers. Some kids are asking complex questions that require more complete answers.
- Questions are often built on one another. Children may need time to process and generate a new question.
- Check-in with your child after answering a question – Did that answer your question? Do you have other questions?
- Start talking about the changes that will take place in early puberty.
- Explain the meaning of any sexual slang your child brings home.
- Explain that there are different types of families, and all have equal value and deserve respect.
- Continue to teach your child their right to say “no” to any unwanted touch.
- Talk about masturbation as a normal part of growing up, that they can touch their bodies in a safe way and where private places are to masturbate.
- Inappropriate public displays of sexual behaviour may be a sign of exposure to explicit sexual materials or sexual abuse.
9 to 12 Years Old
Guidelines of Positive Sexual Development
- Puberty
- Fantasies about others and sexual intimacy
- Concerned about whether they are normal (e.g., is it normal to masturbate?)
- Begin having “crushes,” romantic feelings, dating, and caring deeply about peer relationships
How to Support your 9 to 12-Year-Old
- Acknowledge and discuss different rates of development.
- Talk about physical changes that happen to all bodies like pubic hair, breast and penis size, menstruation, ejaculation and wet dreams.
- Be open to questions about intercourse, oral sex, and contraception.
- Share your values about sexual behaviours and relationships. Clarifying your values as a family encourages young people to use them in their relationships and decision-making.
- Be interested in your child’s relationships with peers. Social skills develop through experience.
- Help your child practice identifying their feelings, setting boundaries and asking for consent. These skills will help them in their friendships and intimate relationships throughout life.
- Help your child understand that while they are maturing physically, there is a lot of emotional and mental growth to do.
- Canada’s age of consent for intercourse is 16. However, there are specific federal laws that protect 12-15 year olds who are sexually active.
Adolescent Development and Decision Making
| Adolescents are learning how to… |
Adolescents need… |
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13 to 17 Years Old
Guidelines of Positive Sexual Development
- Physically mature, but not yet emotionally mature
- Develop mutual and healthy relationships
- Have the ability to learn about intimate, long-term, loving relationships
- Understand abstract concepts related to sexuality, such as the positive and negative consequences of sexual expression and intercourse
- Know or are exploring their sexual orientation or which gender(s) they’re attracted to
- May have questions like,
- Are my breasts (or penis) too small?
- Is it weird that I am a virgin?
- Can I masturbate too much?
- How do you know if you are gay or lesbian?
- Can I get birth control?
- Does it hurt to have sex?
How to Support your 13 to 17-Year-Old
Teens continue to need clear and accurate information – facts and family values – on which to base potentially life-changing sexual decisions.
With age-appropriate independence, most teens resist lectures and orders. Instead, find out what they already know and how they feel. Listen and stay calm. Prove that you can be trusted not to judge, even when you disagree.
Find opportunities to discuss:
- All the options, not just intercourse, for experiencing intimacy and expressing love–holding hands and kissing are sexual too.
- How your child will make the decision to have sex.
- How to prevent pregnancy. There are many contraception options.
- How to avoid contracting a sexually transmitted infection (STI).
- What are the options should unprotected sex happen.
- Scenarios of sexual coercion and abuse that they may be exposed to in media (TV, movies, music, video games, social media) or in some relationships.
- Future life options about topics like marriage or children.
- The value and equality of different sexual orientations and sexual identities.
Provide opportunities for your teen to make decisions and figure out who they are and what they value.
Adolescent Development and Decision Making
| Adolescents are learning how to… |
Adolescents need… |
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18 Years and Older
Guidelines of Positive Sexual Development
- Capable of intimate sexual and romantic relationships
- Understand their own sexual orientation, although they may still explore
- Able to understand sexuality, commitment and planning for the future
- Can shift the emphasis from self to others
How to Support your Young Adults
- Keep the lines of communication open and accept your child as an adult, not a child.
- Offer choices and acknowledge their responsibilities.
- Continue to offer physical and emotional closeness, but respect their need for privacy and independence.
- Appreciate your young adult’s unique qualities.
- Facilitate their access to sexual and reproductive health care.
- Continue offering guidance and sharing values.
Communication Tips
Talking about sex with your child may be uncomfortable, but ignoring the subject sends a strong message to your child that they cannot talk to you or get your guidance on this extremely important topic.
To help with the conversations, read our Communication Tips.