Stages of Child Sexual Development
Parents need to get past any notion of a single “Big Talk” about the birds and the bees. Sexuality education is an ongoing and evolving discussion that changes as your child grows. You aren’t off the hook until your child is an adult. And even then they may still have questions about parenting, relationships, childbirth, etc. Here are some general guidelines making sex education into an ongoing relationship:
Guidelines for 0 to 3 years old
- I am curious and want to explore my own body and maybe yours too.
- I talk openly about my body – including where pee and poop comes from.
- I touch my genitals because it feels good.
- I am able to say the names for body parts that you’ve taught me – head, nose, elbows, vulva and penis.
- I experience vaginal lubrication or an erection as a reflex.
- I imitate my same-sex parent.
To Support your 0-3 year old
Begin at birth with loving touch (this is different than genital stimulation).
Loving touch builds self-worth and trust. It also teaches a child about love and how to express it – fundamental to healthy adult sexuality.
Teach your child that all body parts are important. Use the appropriate names for genitals and body parts (head, nose, elbows, vulva, penis) and avoid shame about body processes. This teaches your baby that the body is valuable and worthy of care.
Begin teaching about private and public behaviors. For example, picking your nose or exploring your genitals is best done in the bedroom or bathroom.
Teach your child to say “no” to unwanted touch of any kind, regardless of who is attempting to touch her.
Teach your child about the anatomical differences and similarities between the sexes.
Speak about both genders as equally special.
Guidelines for 4-5 Year olds
If I am 4-5 years old
- I am curious and exploring body parts, bodily functions and the differences between boys and girls.
- You might find me “playing house” or “playing doctor” with my playmates and showing each other our genitals.
- I may ask questions like: Why are you hairy there? Why don’t I have a penis? Why does my penis get hard? Can I marry you mommy? Where do babies come from?
- I can identify my own gender (I identify as male or female regardless of my physical sex).
- I am beginning to recognize the traditional roles of boys and girls.
- I am conscious about my body and how it appears to others.
- My sexual identity and feelings about sexuality are beginning to be shaped.
- I may masturbate – rub my genitals on furniture or pillows – to sooth or relax myself
To Support your 4-5 year old
Continue nurturing positive feelings about his or her body.
Continue to teach your child that they have the right to say “no” to any unwanted touch.
Encourage your child to come to you with questions.
Answer sexuality questions with the same simple language you would any other question (at this point explaining what fallopian tubes are will probably go in one ear and out the other).
Widen your child’s perception of what boys and girls are capable of doing.
Know that touching genitals and masturbating is totally normal, even as you continue teaching the concept of privacy.
Know that for playmates of similar ages, exploring each others genitals in a consensual, playful, curiosity-focused manner is completely age appropriate, even if you do decide to suggest another game.
In some cases, imitating or participating in adult sex acts – oral, anal, vaginal sex – may be a sign of sexual abuse or exposure to sexually explicit media.
Physical trauma to genitals is a cause for concern and may require medical attention.
Guidelines for 6-8 year olds
If I am a 6-8 year old
- My horizons are expanding. I am developing relationships with people outside of the family.
- I may prefer to socialize with same-sex peers and may be teased if I don’t stick to pre-defined gender roles.
- I have access to a great deal of misinformation about sexuality from peers and the media.
- I am beginning to recognize the social stigma and taboos around sexuality. As a result, I may take greater care to conceal my sex-related exploration and play.
- I may become more modest and want more privacy. Sorry if this happens overnight.
- I may masturbate for pleasure.
- I may show the first signs of puberty.
To Support your 6-8 year old
Continue building the ongoing conversation about sex and sexuality. Some kids are asking basic questions that need simple answers. Some kids are asking complex questions that require more complete answers. Questions are often built on one another. Children may need time to process and generate a new question.
Check in with your child after answering a question – Is this what you were asking about?
Start talking about the changes that will take place when puberty begins.
Calmly explain the meaning of any sexual slang your child brings home.
Explain that there are different types of families and sexual orientations and all have equal value and deserve respect.
Continue to teach your child of the right to say “no” to any unwanted touch.
Know that masturbation is normal.
Note that inappropriate public displays of sexual behavior may be a sign of sexual abuse or exposure to inappropriate and explicit sexual materials. 6
Guidelines for 9-12 year olds
If I am 9-12 year old
- I am ready to begin puberty. Pubic hair, breast size and penis size, menstruation, ejaculation and wet-dreams can be really confusing.
- I am very conscious of my outward appearance and concerned if my body is normal.
- I understand jokes with sexual content.
- I have friendships with boys and girls.
- I may be interacting more with the opposite sex and develop infatuations and crushes that include sexual attraction.
- I may be kissing and hugging with others and perhaps touching genitals and breasts.
- I may ask questions like What is a wet dream?; What is sex?; What happens when a girl gets her period?; What is a tampon or pad?; How do I know if someone likes me?
- I may also feel very shy about asking questions.
- I really value my privacy.
- I may masturbate for pleasure and orgasm.
To Support your 9-12 year old
Acknowledge and discuss different rates of development.
Find a way to make pubic hair, breast size and penis size, menstruation, ejaculation and wet-dreams acceptable topics of conversation.
Be open to questions about intercourse, oral sex and contraception.
Share your values about sexual behaviors and relationships – your child will need something to work with in order to make responsible decisions.
Be interested in your child’s relationships with peers. Social skills develop through experience.
Help your child practice identifying his or her feelings and following through on decisions in order to enjoy a healthy sexual life.
Help your child understand that while they are maturing physically, there is a lot of emotional and cognitive growth to do.
Intercourse is not healthy at this time. However, keep in mind that 8% of teens report having sex before they were 15-years-old. 7
Guidelines for 13-17 year olds
If I am 13-17 years old
- I am physically mature, but not yet emotionally mature.
- I continue to be influenced by my peers (but less than before).
- I have the ability to develop mutual and healthy relationships. I have the ability to learn about intimate, long-term, loving relationships.
- I can understand abstract concepts related to sexuality, such as the positive and negative consequences of sexual expression and intercourse.
- I know my sexual orientation (which gender I’m attracted to) or I am exploring which gender I am attracted to.
- I may ask questions like, Are my breasts (or penis) too small?; Is it weird that I am a virgin?; Can I masturbate too much?; How do you know if you are gay or lesbian?; Can I get birth control without my parents’ knowing about it?; Does it hurt to have sex?
To support your 13-17 year olds
Teens continue to need clear and accurate information – facts and family values – on which to base potentially life changing sexual decisions.
With age-appropriate independence, most teens resist lectures and orders. Instead, find out what they already know and how they feel. Listen and stay calm. Prove that you can be trusted not to judge, even when you disagree.
Find opportunities to discuss:
- All the options – not just intercourse – for experiencing intimacy and expressing love. Holding hands and kissing are sexual too.
- How your child will make the decision to have sex.
- How to prevent pregnancy. There are many contraception options.
- How to avoid contacting a sexually transmitted infection (STI).
- What are the options should unprotected sex happen.
- Scenarios of sexual coercion and abuse, ranging from lines like, “You would if you loved me,” to date rape.
- Future life options: to marry or not, to parent, be single or childless.
- The value and equality of different sexual orientations and sexual identities.
Provide opportunities for your teen to make decisions and figure out who they are and what they value.
Guidelines for 18 years old and older
If I am 18 years old and older
- I am capable of intimate sexual and romantic relationships.
- I understand my own sexual orientation, although I may still explore.
- I am able to understand sexuality as connected to commitment and planning for the future.
- I can shift my emphasis from self to others.
- I may experience intense sexuality.
How to support young adults
Keep the lines of communication open and accept your child as an adult, not a little kid.
Offer choices and acknowledge his or her responsibilities.
Continue to offer physical and emotional closeness, but respect her or his need for privacy and independence.
Appreciate your young adult’s unique qualities.
Facilitate his or her access to sexual and reproductive health care.
Continue offering guidance and sharing values.
Talking to Children with Disabilities about Sex
Regardless of the physical, mental or emotional challenges a child or youth faces, every person needs love and intimacy, needs to know how to express and receive affection and has the right to explore their his or her sexuality.
Every child will also develop into a sexually mature adult and need to make wise decisions about unintended unplanned pregnancy and how to stay safe from sexually transmitted infections and sexual abuse.
Unfortunately, reports indicate that children with disabilities are sexually abused more than twice as much as children without disabilities. 1 Children with disabilities are often taught to be compliant and made more vulnerable through an inherent lack of privacy and dependence on a large number of care givers.
Intellectual Disability
A child with a developmental disability will go through the same social and sexual developmental stages as any other child, just at a different rate. The information your child needs is the same as any other child. When and how you present the information will be as unique as your child’s learning needs.
Make it Concrete
Most people with intellectual disabilities have difficulty with abstraction. Simply put, your child may have a hard time visualizing what you’re talking about so you need to make the information you provide concrete.
Here are some tips to help you make sexuality concrete:
Keep the information simple and review it often.
Use appropriate drawings or other images to illustrate what you are saying
Keep your child’s caregivers informed. To avoid confusion, make sure that the adults in your child’s life use similar language and concepts.
Use family photos to explain relationships.
Make use of anatomically correct models and dolls to explain private and public body parts.
Use real-life stories and examples of private and public behavior.
Role-play appropriate affection and boundaries.
Practice saying “no” to unwanted touch.
Note: A child who cannot visualize images in his head will need pictures, not necessarily porn, in order to get excited or orgasm when he masturbates alone in his bedroom.
Images for Sex Education from the Society of Obstetricians and Gynecologists of Canada
Inform Yourself
Talk to your local disability association and include your doctor in seeking information on the medical needs – including contraception, safe sex and pleasurable positioning – that need to be addressed in order for your child to enjoy a safe and satisfying sexual life.
Encourage and Practice Independence
As with all children, social skills are developed through experience. Intentional or unintentional isolation will never do. Despite the additional planning and worries that accompany parenting a child with an intellectual disability, be interested in and encourage her relationships with peers.
Physical Disability
A child with a physical disability will go through the same social and sexual developmental stages as any other child. They will be an eligible dating or marriage partner, with the hope of a satisfying sex life, whether people without disabilities are ready to see him/her that way or not.
Get Creative
In addition to hearing stories about relationships that work through and around disability, your young person may need help imagining the mechanics of sex with his/her particular level of physical ability. If you use a wheelchair or a catheter, for example, there are some sexual positions that may not be possible.
Creative Suggestions for sex with a physical disability from the Society of Obstetricians and Gynecologists of Canada.
Inform yourself
Talk to your local disability association and include your doctor in seeking information on the medical needs – including contraception, safe sex and pleasurable positioning – that need to be addressed in order for your child to enjoy a safe and satisfying sexual life.
Encourage and Practice Independence
As with all children, social skills are developed through experience. Intentional or unintentional isolation will never do. Despite the additional planning and worries that accompany parenting a child with a physical disability, be interested in and encourage her relationships with peers.